Ulterior Pursuits
by Sam Carter O'Neill
Summary: It's 4th of July weekend and the team take a vacation at Jack's cabin. When happens when they find Jack's insane collection of Simpsons figurines?
1. Mosquitoes and Sun Lotion

Response to a challenge at The Sam and Jack Fan Fic Challenge Archive   
  
Ulterior Pursuits  
  
"Ah, nature, nature, nature!" Jack O'Neill said with a content sigh. It's fourth-of- July weekend and SG1 (plus Jonas Quinn) is taking some time off to bond up at Jack's cabin.  
  
"Urgh!" Sam swatted a mosquito on her neck. "I hope one of you remembered the bug-spray?!"  
  
"I have brought a can of OFF! in my bag, Major Carter," Teal'c said, swatting his arm.  
  
"Thanks, Teal'c."  
  
Daniel sneezed. "You know," he said in a terribly nasal voice. "If I run out of allergy medicine..." He sneezed again and blew his nose.  
  
"Don't worry, Spacemonkey," Jack said in the middle of Daniel's sneeze. "There's a pharmacy about five miles from here."  
  
Daniel groaned and Jonas rubbed sun-tan lotion on his arms and face as the five walked up to Jack's door. Jack fiddled in his pockets and produced a set of keys. He unlocked the door and they stepped inside.  
  
"Welcome to my humble cabin!" said Jack, smirking. He flipped a light switch and put his bag on the floor. He took his glasses off and walked over to the air conditioner, which was set in a window adjacent to the door where the rest of the team was standing. They slowly followed him in, looking around.  
  
"Not too shabby" Daniel remarked, letting out *another* sneeze.  
  
"Yeah... living room, dining room... kitchen" Jonas's voice sounded from a couple of rooms away. "Where's the bathroom, Jack?"  
  
Jack rolled his eyes and went off to guide Jonas.  
  
Sam was standing near a bookcase. The books were very neatly organized—according to author. He had some pretty good books, too; there were several classics and quite a few books about space exploration. She smiled as she picked up a book called "Moonwalker" by Charlie and Dotty Duke—an astronaut and his wife. She replaced the book and continued looking at the others. Also in the book case were picture frames. There were pictures of people whom she guessed to be Sarah, Charlie, and a few other family members. There was also a picture of Jack with a really funny- looking haircut standing in front of a wire fence that had a blue banner in the background that read "The Phoenix Foundation."  
  
"Hey Carter, Daniel, Teal'c! C'mere a sec," she looked up at the sound of Jack's voice; they followed it into the kitchen where they also found Jonas. "So, I dunno about you guys, but I'm kinda hungry."  
  
"How about we go into town to get some groceries and I can get my medicine," said Daniel.  
  
The rest agreed and twenty minutes later they found themselves in town, in the Super Stop&Shop. Jonas waited with Daniel to get his prescription while Teal'c, Jack, and Sam got the stuff they would need for the BBQ they planned for that evening. They found everything they needed, and checked out. At the checkout, there was the usual: gum, candy, magazines; and the not-so-usual: fertilizer, show polish, and little figurines from the television show "The Simpsons." Jack seemed to be very interested in these, although he pretended not to be. He would try to be inconspicuous when he sorted through the whole shelf of them. Sam noticed his vigilant and nervous behavior when he said "ah-hah! Yes!" a little louder than she thought he'd meant to.  
  
"Uh... sir?" she raised an eyebrow.  
  
Jack turned around quickly, the plastic containing a miniature of Dr. Nick in the hand behind his back, "Carter! We're on vacation," he smiled wryly, "therefore you will *cease* all the formal crap!"  
  
"Then," she matched his smile, "you wouldn't mind if I..."  
  
T.B.C.  
  
A/N: Hope you're enjoying the first part of my story! Just in case you were wondering, The Phoenix Foundation is where Macgyver worked and Dr. Nick is a small character on "The Simpsons" (in case you hadn't figured that one out)  
  
Author's Treat: A preview from the next chapter:  
  
"Wow, Jack! It's HUGE!!!"  
  
"Sam!! Be quiet—we wouldn't want the others to hear!" 


	2. Wow, Jack! It's HUGE!

Response to a challenge at The Sam and Jack Fan Fic Challenge Archive   
  
Ulterior Pursuits Where we left off:  
  
"Carter! We're on vacation," he smiled wryly, "therefore you will *cease* all the formal crap!"  
  
"Then," she matched his smile, "you wouldn't mind if I..."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* CHAPTER TWO*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
She moved towards him slowly and seductively. Jack tried *hard* to not be so nervous. Then, suddenly, Sam grabbed the figurine from behind his back. Jack, stunned, tried desperately to wrestle her and get it back. He did manage to retrieve the item, but not before she had seen what it was.  
  
Sam giggled. "Wow, I knew you liked 'The Simpsons' but this..."  
  
"C'mon, Carter, I was only looking at it!!" He said. "It just so happens that I have a young nephew who adores the show and whenever I see these things, I pick one up for him."  
  
"Uh-huh," Sam did the smirking this time.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
It was late afternoon as they drove home. Not many people were on the road, but then, not many people often were on the old mountain road they were on. They were singing to a familiar song on the radio as they noticed a car coming down the road. Because the road was so narrow, they had to pull over and slow down to let the other car pass. As the other car approached, they noticed its passengers—a bunch of rowdy teenagers listening to loud music and talking and laughing extremely loudly.  
  
Sam was driving the car (because she'd wanted to try it out) and the driver of the other car was a teenage boy of about 17 years. Both drivers had their windows down. The two cars were passing each other when the 17-year- old stopped, his window right by Sam's.  
  
"Hey sweet-cheeks!" the boy slurred—he was obviously drunk.  
  
Sam lowered her sunglasses onto the bridge of her nose as she lowered the other windows of the car all the way.  
  
"Maybe if ya gimme yer..." the drunken boy stopped, seeing all of the strong men accompanying Sam. "Erm..." The scared boy started to drive off slowly, and as the open windows of the other teens passed by, they gave SG1 the finger as they cursed, screamed, and yelled some more.  
  
The team glared at the car of teenagers in disbelief. "Did you see that?!" Sam said in shock.  
  
"What was that gesture?" Teal'c asked, as monotonously as usual.  
  
Jack, Sam, and Daniel exchanged smiling glances. "Well, that's an obscene... gesture... hard to explain." Jack and Sam listened and smiled to themselves as Daniel continued to explain the origins of "the f-word" and "the middle- finger" to Teal'c and Jonas the entire trip back to Jack's cabin.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
When they got back to Jack's cabin, they had lots of fun BBQing and later enjoying the fruits of their labor. They sat by the lake and reminisced all night (constantly swatting each other and spraying themselves with the bug spray provided by Teal'c). At about 23:20, when the candles had about had it, they went inside, got ready for bed and talked some more in the living room. Finally theirs eyes started getting heavy and they crept upstairs (or stayed downstairs, in Teal'c and Jack's case). Sam headed to Jack's bedroom. She had already crawled under the covers before she realized how odd it was that she was in her CO's bed. Granted he wasn't... but it was still really weird. She pondered how she felt about this as she fell fast asleep.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
The next morning, Sam awoke to a light knock at the door. She got up and opened it. Daniel and Jonas were standing there, completely cracking up.  
  
"What's so funny?" she asked.  
  
"Jack has—" Daniel began laughing hysterically.  
  
Sam couldn't keep a straight face.  
  
They were interrupted by the sound of Jack coming up the stairs. "Oh hey guys, you're already up."  
  
Daniel let out a suppressed laugh that sounded like it had come from a student who's laughing but tries *really* hard not to be heard by the teacher but fails.  
  
Jonas covered for him, "Bless you, Daniel. Gee, those allergies are awful!"  
  
Jack raised a suspicious eyebrow because now the three of them were trying hard not to laugh. "Breakfast's ready downstairs."  
  
"Thanks" Jonas and Daniel rushed off behind Jack to the room the two of them were sharing and quietly pointed out a door to Sam.  
  
Jack smiled at Sam, "What's going on with those two?"  
  
"The air in their room, maybe...? I'll be down to breakfast in a few. Lemme brush my teeth and stuff," Sam said.  
  
"Okay see you in a few."  
  
Sam watched Jack go down the hall and disappear into the room Jonas and Daniel had pointed out to her. She cocked her head to one side and followed him—she felt brave in the morning.  
  
She opened the door and bent down to go inside. There, Sam saw something that she had *not* expected to see.  
  
"AAH!!!" yelled Jack when he saw Sam. "What are you doing in here?! Bathroom in other direction!!!!!"  
  
Sam giggled, "Oh my God! So this is what you do with all of it!"  
  
"You were SO not supposed to see this!" Jack said, embarrassed, "but I guess since you've already seen..."  
  
"Wow, Jack! It's HUGE!!!"  
  
"Ssh! Sam, we wouldn't want the others to hear!" but it was too late.  
  
Daniel peeked his head around the corner in curiosity, "what the—?" He broke into fits of laughter again as Jonas and Teal'c came into the room too.  
  
"I swear...!" Jack sounded nervous, "if any of you tell Hammond about this...!"  
  
"What?! That you have-a-a- a HUGE" said Jonas through laughs, "SIMPSONS collection?! AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!" That was it. They *all* cracked up; even Jack.  
  
"So much for that nephew, *sir*" Sam smirked.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
A/N: Heh, that was fun! More to come about the rest of their vacation...  
  
Author's treat: A preview from the next chapter:  
  
"Teal'c!!!" said Daniel, exasperatedly. "Don't do that!!!! That's horrible!!"  
  
"But, Daniel Jackson, you told us before that the people of the Tau'ri often do that when one person offends another?"  
  
"Well, yes, but..." 


	3. TEAL'C!

Response to a challenge at The Sam and Jack Fan Fic Challenge Archive   
  
Ulterior Pursuits Where we left off:  
  
"What?! That you have-a-a- a HUGE" said Jonas through laughs, "SIMPSONS collection?! AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!" That was it. They *all* cracked up; even Jack.  
  
"So much for that nephew, *sir*" Sam smirked.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* CHAPTER THREE*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
When they had made *every* possible joke about Colonel Jack O'Neill having an entire room in his house dedicated to plastic Simpsons figurines and Krusty the Clown alarm clocks that went "Hey, Hey!" when they sounded, SG1, military officers with some of the highest security clearings ever, had breakfast.  
  
"So what should we do today?" Jack questioned the group, "and shut-*up* Daniel!!!" Daniel burst into a silent fit of laughter.  
  
"It's so hot out..." Sam thought out loud.  
  
"Hey, I know! How bout the beach!"  
  
"Great idea Jonas!" said Daniel. "And maybe," he started to hold back laughs, "Jack can lend us all some Homer trunks and some Comic Book Guy Towels!!! Ahahahahahahahaha!!!!"  
  
Jack thought for a second. "Well actually..."  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * T*H E* *B *E *A *C *H * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Jack, Teal'c, Jonas, and Daniel were all dressed in swimming trunks with a different character from the simpsons as they emerged from the men's changing room, each with a matching towel on his arm, and Teal'c with a hat. They were getting stares, too—not as many "hey look at the weirdos!" stares as "Hey! I want trunks like that" from the guys or "Oh my... look at *them*! Wonder how many hours a day each of them works out!" from the women and girls. They were all too busy putting on sun-tan lotion to notice Sam walk up.  
  
"Hey guys," she said. All the guys, no seriously *all* the guys (except for Teal'c) were looking, no *gaping* at her. She was wearing a light blue string bikini top and dark with light blue board shorts. She lowered her sunglasses down the bridge of her nose when all of her companions were all too lost to respond. She turned to look behind her to see if she could see what the guys were staring at so fixedly, "what?"  
  
"Hello Major Carter," Teal'c greeted, bowing his head then continuing to smear sun lotion over himself. The rest mumbled "hi" in embarrassment and followed suit.  
  
Sam took a pair of flip-flops from her beach-bag, "good thing I decided to bring all this stuff. Hey, can we go do this down there?" She pointed towards the beach itself.  
  
"Uh, yeah sure," said Jack, capping his lotion.  
  
They walked down to the beach and set up their little station with five towels (four of which were drawn by Matt Groening), three large beach- umbrellas, five lawn chairs, and a large red cooler containing beverages they'd bought on the *long* drive to the beach.  
  
"Hey, I'm going to get ice cream," said Daniel, "anyone want any?" Soon Daniel and Teal'c were headed back up to the boardwalk to get 5 ice creams and 3 hot dogs for their team-mates (Teal'c had to come along because Daniel couldn't possibly have carried all the food on his own). When they got to one of the ice cream vendors, they had to wait on the long line. Finally, they got to the front, and received their (terribly over-priced) order. Teal'c (holding three ice cream cones) and Daniel (carrying two cones and a bag of hot dogs) were walking back to the others when *SMACK* about 4 football players just rammed right into the two SG1 members. The husky ball-players were apparently in a big hurry because whenever someone was in their way, they just walked right into them. Teal'c and Daniel were very upset by this because when they had been rammed into, the bag of hot dogs fell to the floor and were stomped on, Daniel's ice creams went into his face, and the ones Teal'c were carrying went flying. This meant that they would have to stand on the line for another 10 minutes and then pay another eighteen dollars plus tax for the food.  
  
"And to think we risk our lives for people like..." he turned around to Teal'c.  
  
Teal'c, being the quick-study that he is, turned right around to those nasty football players and gave them... the finger!  
  
"Teal'c!!!" said Daniel, exasperatedly. "Don't do that!!!! That's horrible!!"  
  
"But, Daniel Jackson, you told us before that the people of the Tau'ri often do that when one person offends another?"  
  
"Well, *yes*, but..." Daniel hoped that no one had seen that. "it's *extremely* rude... just *don't * do it again!!"  
  
Teal'c bowed his head, "apologies, Daniel Jackson."  
  
"No need," Daniel smiled. "Now let's get back to the others and tell them what happened. We're not going back there without them...can carry their own food..."  
  
A/N: Okay so maybe there's not a beach near Jack's cabin. Use your imagination! Lolz. This was a funny chapter... not enough *suggestion* if you ask me (LMAO) there will be in the next one, and there'll be Jack/Sam stuff, too. Sorry this chapter was so short, but I have a ton of school work. The next one'll be really long, I promise ;)  
  
Preview  
  
"Ah! Home, sweet, ho—" Jack stopped short. He was presently having a fight with the light-switch... and the switch was winning. "Oh wonderful, the power's out!" There was a collective groan from Sg1.  
  
!******1**hour**later*******!  
  
"Who knew I'd ever have to drive an hour to get to a McDonald's?" 


	4. A Day At The Beach

_Response to a challenge at The Sam and Jack Fan Fic Challenge Archive   
  
A/N: Wow—I'm updating... A million and a half years later!! Sorry about that by the way, but I've been so busy with school (which ends tomorrow! Woo hoo!) that I forgot to update, but here it is— le grand fromage! (Sorry I just felt like saying that)!!!_  
  
**CHAPTER FOUR  
  
a day at the beach**   
  
Daniel and Teal'c made their way to the port-o-potties to wash their hands and, in Daniel's case, face ("These devices are a great disappointment in Tau'ri technology. The stench is putrid..."); and later they found their way back to their other teammates, all enjoying the sun.  
  
"'bout time, ladies!"  
  
"I do not under--"  
  
"Just... never mind!"  
  
"But--"  
  
"It's okay Teal'c; it'll all be okay..."  
  
Teal'c cocked his head to one side and gave a blank, yet utterly confused look.  
  
"What happened to you guys? Was the vendor closed or something?" Sam questioned.  
  
"Well let's just say we had a little run-in with some football players," Daniel explained. "They were just running along, pushing people out of their way when they knocked the food out of Teal'c's and my hands. Then we went to those terrible portable bathrooms... they weren't fun."  
  
"Oh," Sam, Jack, and Jonas gave them a sympathetic look... who likes those things?!  
  
"So if you want food, the vendors are over there" he motioned his arm behind him.  
  
Jack groaned and grabbed a bottle of water from the cooler. "Well we'll stay here for a while and later, if you guys want, there is a bunch of tennis and basketball courts fifteen minutes away from here."  
  
"Tennis? Oh I love tennis," said Sam.  
  
"Tennis...?" Jonas spoke up while Teal'c just gave another blank and mildly confused look.  
  
"Who wants to go to the pool?!" Sam jumped up from her chair and dusted some sand off.  
  
Teal'c stood up; Jonas followed suit and then shrieked in excitement.  
  
"Okay we're going over to the pool (since it's jelly fish season). We'll be back in an hour."  
  
They said good-bye as Jonas, Teal'c, and Sam headed in the direction of the pool near the boardwalk. It was a little bit strange that there was a pool right beside a beach but Sam was grateful— The ocean was nice and all but there were little jelly fish in it at this time of the year that were harmless but terribly gross, and they got everywhere.  
  
Jonas was so very excited about going to the pool that as soon as they got near enough to it, he ran ahead and jumped in... apparently forgetting that he couldn't swim.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAH!!!!" He struggled to get air as Sam jumped in ("Oh for cryin' out—!") and rescued him.  
  
"Jonas! How could you jump right into the deep end of a pool when you've never been in one before?!"  
  
"Well... it looks easy on TV..."  
  
"Hello there!" some random guys were walking bye, cat-calling and whistling at Sam as she had gotten out of the pool, dripping wet.  
  
"Hi!" Jonas responded cheerfully. Sam rolled her eyes and walked Jonas and Teal'c to the shallow end of the pool (where all the babies were learning how to swim).  
  
"Okay, guys. This is the shallow end of the pool. It's only 3 feet deep. We'll walk along the floor and when you start becoming uncomfortable with the depth, let me know."  
  
"Major Carter," Teal'c started. "I already know how to swim."  
  
"Really? Great! You can teach Jonas!" she giggled evilly and swam off to the other end then got out and went to the diving board. Those stupid cat- calling men were still there, too.  
  
"Hey, sex-ay!" they called.  
  
Sam turned to face them and gave them a look. "Hi!" She walked down to where her stuff was and fished around in her beach bag. When she found what she was looking for, she walked back over to the diving board. This time she'd be prepared. She jumped off the board and sure enough, when she reached the surface the guys were calling after her again. "All right, that's it," she mumbled quietly to herself. She took her dog tags from her pocket, removed the ring which hung in them, put it on her finger and the tags around her neck.  
  
"Hey, fellas," she said in a falsely nice yet dismissive tone, "I hate to burst your bubble but I, uh, well" she fiddled with the ring. "I'm attached." When the comments (and now gestures) persisted she added (dropping the nice tone), "I'm also in the Air Force so I could just kick your asses and get it over with. Oh, and by the way, so're they." She motioned towards Teal'c (now demonstrating the doggy-paddle to Jonas) and Jonas.  
  
The smiles faded from the guys' faces. They looked at each other and started stammering.  
  
"I—I'm terribly s—sorry!" one was saying.  
  
"Permission to apologize, ma'am?" barked another in a military fashion.  
  
"Well—um—I'm sorry I don't know what we were thinking—you're probably much too young for us anyway!" charmed a third, smoothly. Seeing as the statement was terribly untrue (the guys were about 25), it worked perfectly.  
  
"I guess it's okay," Sam forgave them and walked to join Teal'c and Jonas before they could see the color now flooding to her cheeks.  
  
Meanwhile  
  
Jack and Daniel decided that the bottles of water from the cooler simply weren't enough to sustain them so they made their way to the concession stand. The long line of people waiting to purchase hot dogs and ice cream seemed much longer than before when Daniel had been there with Teal'c. Finally, after a good 25 minutes of waiting on the line, Jack and Daniel got their hot dogs, ice creams, and sodas. Naturally all of this was quite difficult to carry so they found a vacant picnic table a few minutes from the boardwalk and fewer from the Kiddie Park.  
  
When they had finished eating, it was quickly approaching 1 in the afternoon, and the hot July sun was ablaze.  
  
"Urgh! I am so hot!" Daniel complained.  
  
"Wow, you're conceited!!" Jack teased.  
  
"Huh?" Daniel gave him a confused look.  
  
Jack laughed, "Forget— ..." he stopped for a second and motioned for Daniel to be quiet. "You know, I just got a great idea!!"  
  
"But how am I...?"  
  
"Honestly Daniel, sometimes I wonder... this is the man who figured out the Stargate?" Jack picked up his trash, threw it away, and making sure Daniel was following him, walked to the entrance of the Kiddie Park.  
  
"Oooh!" exclaimed Daniel with the look of Homer Simpson eyeing a giant glazed Donut. "Look at that thing!"  
  
"I know I've seen it before!" said Jack in an obvious tone.  
  
"THE LOG FLUME!!!!" The two whispered as if speaking the name of a greatly revered king.  
  
The two adults paid their admission into the park (after proving to the manager of the park that they indeed were not drunk) and set off to ride the log flume.  
  
This log flume (in comparison to big and famous places like Dorney Park, Hurricane Harbor, and Legoland) was no big thing. It was like the ones by beaches, you know (A/N: even though this is an imaginary beach—did you honestly think there was a beach within driving distance of Jack's cabin?... because apparently I did ::rolls eyes at own stupidity:: and now, back to our show).  
  
Jack and Daniel waited on the line for about ten minutes before they finally reached their nirvana of getting inside that plastic log. They screamed like little kids and put their hands up when the drop came. Soon enough they'd managed to waste an entire hour and a half at the park.  
  
"Uh-oh!" exclaimed Daniel when he replaced his wristwatch. "It's two- thirty! We've got to get back soon because the others will be wondering where we've run off to." So Jack and Daniel started walking back to the beach but when they reached the boardwalk they ran into Jonas, Teal'c, and Sam.  
  
"Hey guys!" Sam greeted, as they made their way back to the beach. "What've you two been up to?"  
  
"We went on the log flume" said Daniel dreamily. "Yeah it was really— Hey, where's our stuff?" Jack was very confused. They had made it back to where Jack's Simpson's beach chairs and towels had been, but the stuff wasn't there.  
  
"Do you think it could have been those... foot—ball players?" questioned Teal'c, putting the wrong emphasis on "football."  
  
"It's 'football,' Teal'c, 'football'..." Jonas informed him.  
  
"Oh no... I think I know what happened."  
  
Jack was beginning to hyperventilate now, "tell me!!"  
  
Sam sighed, "High tide was a half an hour ago..."  
  
"Oh no! That means—" Jack's face fell. "MY STUFF!!!!!" He ran off madly to the edge of the water. "DON'T WORRY, BELOVED SIMPSONS MEMORABILIA! I'LL SAVE YOU!!!"  
  
_A/N: This chapter wasn't as funny as I'd planned but never fear—for next chapter is the blackout chapter!!! Heh heh heh!!! What can go wrong when everyone's in dun-dun-dun THE DARK!!!! You can rest assured there will be even more ::suggestion:: mwahahahaha! However there'll probably be some Jack/Sam fluff. Just a warning. PLEASE R/R! ;-)_


	5. WHAT THE HELL!

Response to a challenge at **The Sam and Jack Fan Fic Challenge Archive**

Ulterior Pursuits

a/n: URGH I am so bad at updating! It takes me like ten years to get one chapter up ::rolls eyes:: oh well, I'll try to be better ;) on with the show!

Where we left off:

Sam sighed, "High tide was a half an hour ago..."  
  
"Oh no! That means—" Jack's face fell. "MY STUFF!!!!!" He ran off madly to the edge of the water. "DON'T WORRY, BELOVED SIMPSONS MEMORABILIA! I'LL SAVE YOU!!!"

...and now...

Chapter 5: WHAT THE HELL?!

Jack stood ready on the opposite side of the tennis court from Carter, mourning the loss of his beloved Simpsons' memorabilia. It had been quite a sight too, a man jack's age running into the water screaming bloody murder and mourning the loss of his things: he would even stick his head into the water to try and see the lost memorabilia. Unfortunately for him, he had forgotten about it being jelly fish season and when Teal'c, Daniel, and Jonas had dragged him back to the beach ten minutes later, they all had hundreds of tiny jelly fish everywhere. What was worse was the sheer embarrassment Jack's outburst had caused them; everyone kept staring at them, especially Jack, like they needed Ritalin or something... people had quieted down and were whispering amongst themselves saying things like "it's not nice to laugh Johnny jr! That man obviously has serious issues..."

"Well, at least you had your wallet and keys, and everything..." Sam comforted Jack from across the tennis court.

"hmph..." he served the ball. "Well I do keep doubles for all the things in my collection..."

"See," Sam replied as she sent the ball soaring to Jack, "it's really not so bad!"

Jack ducked, avoiding a ball sent in his direction by Teal'c. He and Jonas were being taught how to play by Daniel. Jonas had (surprisingly enough) caught on quickly while Teal'c tended to just wave his racket madly in self-defense whenever a ball came in his direction. And he hit hard.

"OUCH! WATCH IT TEAL'C!" Jack had dodged Teal'c's ball but been hit by Sam's.

"I apologize, O'Neill." Teal'c answered solemnly, sending a ball into the sky. "But this machine..." he swung at another ball, but missed this time, "it keeps attacking!!!"

Jack ran out of the way and went to Sam's side, out of harm's way. "DANIEL!" Jack beckoned loudly, "get that machine away from him, for cryin' out loud! And let's get out of here, I'm starving!"

Sam giggled innocently as Daniel cautiously moved in to turn off the machine without being hit by one of Teal'c's shots.

When the machine had been turned off and the team got into Jack's car, it was about 5 o'clock in the afternoon.

"Seatbelts?" commanded Colonel O'Neill.

"CHECK!" barked the rest of the team in unison.

"Are we ready?" he asked.

"Yessir!" yelped Major Carter in an overly--emphasized military fashion.

A half an hour later, they were driving down a parkway. Jack, who was the driver, was in charge of the radio, and he was currently listening (and singing along to) a cheesy 1970s station. The rest of the team sighed in boredom.

"Jack," said Daniel shortly, "can we listen to another station?"

Jack laughed. "Daniel, Daniel, Daniel! This is classic music! Come on! The Beegees are going to be remembered for ages to come!"

"But Jack! **Please**?"

"I'm driving, Danny-Boy! My car, my music!" he said, turning up the volume.

Sam sighed resignedly. Daniel rolled his eyes wearily. Jonas winced in pain at the high pitch of the lead singer's voice. And Teal'c... well he just sat there passively.

A half an hour later, they stopped at a rest- stop restaurant for dinner. Jack was in the bathroom and all of SG1 had "Night Fever" in their heads. Jonas and Sam were humming it and Daniel was whistling along.

"NIGHT FEVER NIGHT FEVEEEEEER!!!! NIGHT---" he stopped shortly. "URRRGH!!!! I SWEAR! IF I DON'T GET THIS FRICKEN SONG OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!!" He slammed his head into his arms and sobbed.

"Don't worry Daniel, I'll offer to drive...." Sam offered.

"HONESTLY! I swear to God! It's worse than being tortured by the Goa'uld!" Daniel said.

"Heh, I know, I know.... Hey, I HAVE AN IDEA!!"

After they ate dinner, they returned to the car.

"Hey, Jack, you must be tired! I'll drive for the rest of the way!" Sam said after Jack gave her a funny look when she had walked to the driver's side of his Jeep.

"Oh, thanks, Carter--- waaaaait! I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING! Nope, I'm driving!"

Sam could have sworn she heard him cackling evilly as she walked in defeat back to the passenger's side.

"Hey has it ever occurred to you that you humans drive on parkways and park on driveways??" Jonas said.

"Hmmm..."

Jack reached for the radio knob but Daniel yelled "NOW!"

"99 bottles of beer on the wall! 99 bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around! 98 bottles of beer on the wall! 98 bottles of beer on the wall! 98 bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around, 97 bottles of beer on the wall!!!!!!!" They all sang.

Jack nearly got into an accident. "WHAT THE HELL?!"

"97 bottles of beer on the wall! 97 bottles of beer! Take one down! Pass it around! 96 bottles of beer on the wall!"

"Aw, c;'mon! you're not playing that game now, are you?!"

They all nodded and continued to sing.

"Aw for cryin out loud!!" He switched on the radio as loud as it would go.

At first it threw them off but they put their hands on their ears and continued to sing.

Jack laughed and sighed in resignation. "Okay! Okay! Fine! I GIVE UP!!!" He picked up a napkin and waved it around. "I SURRENDER!"

"YES!"

"SCORE!"

"TAKE THAT BEEGEE MAN!!!"

With a modern radio station on, they drove back to Jack's Cabin.

It was about 8pm when they got back but they were happy to be there.

"Ah! Home, sweet, ho—" Jack stopped short. He was presently having a fight with the light-switch... and the switch was winning. "Oh wonderful, the power's out!" There was a collective groan from Sg1.

1hourlater!  
  
"Who knew I'd ever have to drive an hour to get to a McDonald's?" Daniel remarked as he gave out the burgers and fries to his teammates. They were at the drive-in window of a Mc Donald's about a half an hour away from Jack's cabin. It only took them an hour because they got lost.

"Eh, it happens all the time out here. No sign of life for miles. "

Daniel sneezed loudly. "Let's get going. I need more—more—" He sneezed again, this time more violently.

"Gee, Danny-boy, thanks for getting snot all over my McChicken!"

"Sorry"

...

"Snot, DanielJackson?"

"Oh boy. Thanks Jack. Okay Teal'c, Jonas..."

**A/N:** Well how'd you like it? I hope I can write more soon. Don't worry, there's going to be more with McDonald's next chapter mwahahaha and hopefully some S/J ship woohoo.

I'll probably be posting some time in mid-february. Just kidding. Reviews make me type faster. Here, have an e-cookie an e-cookie of BRIBERY! Haha. So not funny!

Preview of the next chapter:

It was dark and she couldn't see where she was going.

"Guys?" She asked but got no response. In fact, she couldn't hear much of anything but the passing-by of cars.

"Guys??!" She asked, beginning to panic. "Where are you!?"

"boo"

"AAAAAAAH!!!!" She turned to see Jack sitting in one of the little cubbies through which some of the street lights shone. "Jesus, Jack!!" Suddenly she realized their close proximity...


	6. Things That Go THUMP in the Night

ULTERIOR PURSUITS

Where we left off:

Daniel sneezed loudly. "Let's get going. I need more—more—" He sneezed again, this time more violently.

"Gee, Danny-boy, thanks for getting snot all over my McChicken!"

"Sorry"

…

"Snot, DanielJackson?"

"Oh boy. Thanks Jack. Okay Teal'c, Jonas…"

…and now…

**Chapter VI: Things That Go 'THUMP' in the Night**

"Hello. Welcome to McDonald's can I take your order." It had been more of an 'f-you wtf do you want, b-h!' statement than a friendly question supposed to be accompanied by a smile.

"Uh, hi. Hm… let me see… I like chicken. How's the chicken here?"

"It's wonderful." Hmmm… do we sense SARCASM, perhaps?

"Well, last time I had chicken here—"

"Look lady. I don't want your life story. I want your order."

Daniel stared at the woman actually sitting on a **chair** behind the counter at the McDonald's, reading a magazine. He quickly decided that getting into a verbal conflict with the obnoxious woman (who'd called him 'lady'!) wouldn't get him very far. Him or his Big Mac.

"I'll take the Big Mac sandwich, a medium fries and a coffee. Please." He smiled as he thought about the pleasant notion of getting her fired.

"You want fries with that?" Her boss would yell at her for ticking off six people in her 4-hour shift—from 12 to 4am.

"Uh yeah!" And she would stare at him with bored eyes.

"Okay sir. You don't need to take an ATTITUDE with me!" And DANIEL HIMSELF WOULD SAY THOSE FAMOUS DONALD TRUMP WORDS!

"Right." He said quietly, "sorry."

Sam returned to the table and sat opposite Jack. Daniel and Teal'c and Jonas were still on line "One…**MAC**grill with no mayonnaise, please.". She unwrapped her sandwich ravishingly.

"Urgh, I am SO hungry! I only ate soup at the last restau—" She suddenly realized that Jack had been staring at her food, "What?"

"Errr…"

She looked down at her tray and saw her unwrapped sandwich, her soda, and her hands… her hands with a CERTAIN RING ON THE LEFT FINGER. D'OH!

"Oh, I— uh— erm— you see…" she fumbled.

"C'mon, guys," Daniel said, dodging a head of lettuce hurled in his direction by the obnoxious lady. "Can we maybe—" "YOU INGRATEFUL LITTLE—!" He dodged packets of sweet and sour and barbecue sauces.

By nothing short of a miracle, they'd managed to drive away from the McDonald's unharmed… well, Jonas' face had met a nice, ripe tomato, but other than that, unscathed… but that's SG1 for ya…

They decided to rent a movie well they'd ended up getting SIX at Blockbuster to watch that night. Jack chose a horribly scary movie whose cover was so creepy that Sam refused to look at it for extended periods of time okay so if she looked at it for more than four seconds, she broke down… four seconds is a LONG time!… So, of course, Jack'd popped it into the VCR first. They used a battery-powered TV because Sam had offered okay, BEGGED for the colonel to let her fix the problem but Jack refused, insisting that she would NOT fix **anything** on her vacation. Instead, he and Teal'c had attempted. Naturally they'd only succeeded in worsening the problem by breaking the new fuse in the process of "fixing" their power problem. So now the five of them sat on the living room floor, wrapped in Simpson's blankets.

"…It's not THAT bad, Carter! C'mon! You could be in scarier movies about our er… journeys!"

Sam just squirmed uncomfortably, knees drawn to her chest and arms tightly hugging them.

Jack moved to return to his place to Carter's right – Teal'c on her left Daniel to his left, and Jonas to his, "besides, if you get too scared, you can just grab hold of…. of Teal'c!" he saved.

Teal'c raised a knowing eyebrow.

Jack fast-forwarded through the previews, much to the dismay of Daniel.

"Hey!" he exclaimed, "I like previews!"

"You **like **previews," he scowled less than half-heartedly, "Come ON, who likes previews!"

"I DO!" Sam shot her hand in the air vehemently.

"You **too**! You guys… Ooh, nice try, Carter!"

She sulked and leaned against the wall behind her in defeat. Normally, Samantha Carter was as unconventional as possible—breaking all the rules and barriers of gender—but when it came to movies, she was 100 chick! Cried at the sappy romances, and shrieked at the horror movies. She shielded her eyes as bloody credits loomed ominously across the screen. Eerie music was playing in the background and she jumped as a high-pitched wail from the TV punctuated the pitch black silence of Jack's living room. This is going to be **fun**… she thought bitterly.

At the climax of the movie, Sam was 2 seconds away from completely losing it— she'd covered her eyes when blood and guts flew all over the place and the antagonists were **winning**. Suddenly the sounds stopped… 5 seconds later, no sound. The screen was blank but the distinct sound of distressed breathing came from the small TV.

"DON'T GO IN THERE!" Jonas screamed frantically.

"DON'T DO IT! DON'T DO IT!" that was Daniel, "HE'S GONNA—"

"**AAAAAAAAAAAAAH**!" Sam clung onto and buried her face into the nearest thing she could find. HOLY HATHOR! That was SCARY! She'd seen the protagonist woman (who had apparently been the one breathing) crawling frantically in a dark crawl space beneath a house (only GOD knew WHY). Suddenly a match had been lit and she found she was crawling amidst hundreds of skinless bodies. Two seconds later, her own face had been peeled off.

Sam abruptly noticed that whatever she was clinging to was chuckling softly. Still too scared to open her eyes, she muttered a few curse words into his side.

"It's okay," Jack laughed good-heartedly, "it's over. The movie's over. Good job, Carter—you mad it through alive…and…with your skin!"

"DANIEL!" She called, head still tucked into Jack, "IS HE TELLING THE TRUTH? IS THE MOVIE REALLY OVER!"

He laughed, "Yeah, Sam. You can look!"

She snapped her head up and saw the credits rolling. "LT. COLONEL JONATHAN O'NEILL! DO NOT EVER DO THAT **EVER** AGAIN!"

"….ouch," came Jonas and Daniel's response from across the room.

"THAT IS INSUBORDINATION, MAJOR!" Jack teased, pretending to peel her face off.

"That's not funny!" she grinned like an idiot despite herself. She buried her face into her arms in protection from being 'skinned.' She would have called on Teal'c for assistance but:

a he would've knocked O'Neill's lights out if he thought Carter were in real danger, and

b He'd fallen into a deep state of Kel'no'reem halfway through the movie.

When suddenly…

THUMP

They all stopped.

THUMP

"…..What was **that**?" Daniel asked quietly.

THUMP

Sam squealed and actually buried her face into her CO's side. She heard –or, rather, felt—his heartbeat quicken through his shirt… It reminded her briefly of the time on Hathor's planet when she and Jack were roaming the facility in search of Daniel. A bunch of Jaffa had been passing by and her memory recall device had set off—Jack had pulled her to safety behind a column against his front side. She suddenly felt very secure, knowing Jack would protect her… even through the bumps—er, THUMPS—in the night.

Jack rested his hand cautiously and protectively over her shoulder. "Daniel!" he whispered, "Jonas! Get over here!"

There was shuffling, a thud, and more shuffling as Daniel and Jonas got up, Daniel tripped over an unlit candle and made their ways blindly toward O'Neill and Carter,

THUMP

"what **is** it!" Jonas asked urgently.

"If I knew—"

THUMP

"It sounds like it's coming from………….."

THUMP

"The basement," they agreed. Sam squeaked,

"Let's check it out," O'Neill suggested.

THUMP

"C'mon, Carter," O'Neill gently coaxed.

"…all right…" she agreed reluctantly, "But if we get murdered…"

THUMP

"…don't blame me."

Jack smiled, seriously doubting that there was an axe-murderer in his basement. He stood up and offered Carter his hand. They did that on the field occasionally, after a long night in a really uncomfortable and crowded tent, he would offer her his hand—just a little reminder that he would always be there to help her up.

They were switching into field mode now—a reconnaissance of Jack's basement!

Sam grabbed her CO's hand and he pulled her up; she was constantly surprised by his strength, no matter how many times he displayed it. But then something happened that didn't normally happen on missions—he held her hand. He didn't let go as he usually did after she'd gotten up. Sam mentally kicked herself as she found that his action had made her blush! Unwilling to give him the wrong impression, she neither passionately returned nor resisted his protective grasp. Instead, she let her hand rest comfortably in his. She turned to stare into his gaze but was only met by pitch- blackness.

THUMP

"Hey guys…" Daniel broke their brief moment but neither let go. "Flashlights?"

THUMP

The strange noises and/or her contact with Jack were making Sam's heart pump. They also made her acutely aware of her surroundings… and willing for distraction. "Over there, by the VCR, Daniel."

Daniel was guided to the VCR by its blinking lights. "Got 'em." He said, clicking one on and shining it in Teal'c's direction. "Hey Teal'c," he said, trying to awaken the Jaffa from his deep meditation.

"Yes, DanielJackson?" he asked monotonously.

"There were, um, sounds, coming from the basement," Jonas said.

Sam could tell that Daniel was raising his eyebrows in that way as Jonas explained their rather pathetic situation to Teal'c.

Jack began to walk towards Daniel to retrieve a flashlight, and he pulled Sam along with him, their hands linked behind his back.

"All right kids," Jack said affectionately. "Let's go meet the boogie-man!" He handed Sam a flashlight. His stare, now slightly more visible held Sam's for a few seconds longer than truly necessary, asking if she was comfortable.

She clicked hers on and held it under her chin, "boo" she said, grinning like an idiot.

THUMP

Jack smirked and tightened his grip ever-so-slightly, "let's move out. Teal'c—you, me and Carter down first. Jonas—stand at the top of the stairs and shine your –"

He was cut off by a loud knock at the door

"AAAAAAH!" Sam and Jonas both screamed—Sam grabbing onto Jack and Jonas to Teal'c (who raised an eyebrow in a very confused and uncomfortable manner).

"Daniel, get the door," Jack said, both amused and confused by this new side of Carter—an afraid one…!

Daniel smirked and walked to the door.

"Uh, hello, what are you do—" they heard him say and then be cut off a few seconds later.

"Daniel!" Jack called.

No answer

"DANIEL!" he called again.

No answer.

"Oh for cryin' out loud! C'mon everyone," He walked off in Daniel's direction followed by Teal'c and Jonas…but not by Sam. She was not going to face her doom out—

THUMP

Okay, doom with everyone else was certainly better than doom alone! She raced off to where everyone else had gone, only to find-

To be Continued!

A/N: I swear I'll be better about updating…. I've just read loads of spoilers and I'm FULL of Fanfic ideas! At least this chapter was nice and long-D

Sorry, no preview of the next chapter—I must keep you in suspense!


	7. something worth fighting for

Response to a challenge at **The Sam and Jack Fan Fic Challenge Archive**

Where we left off:

"Oh for cryin' out loud! C'mon everyone," He walked off in Daniel's direction followed by Teal'c and Jonas…but not by Sam. She was not going to face her doom out—

THUMP

Okay, doom with everyone else was certainly better than doom alone! She raced off to where everyone else had gone, only to find---

…and now… the shippy conclusion!

Chapter VII: SOMETHING WORTH FIGHTING FOR

"JANET! Oh thank GOD," Sam ran to and embraced her doctor and friend. "There were axe murderers and we were going to Jack's crawl space to get murdered and Jonas got hit in the face with a tomato and—and—Jack has an insane obsession with the simpson's that's kind of err… a little scary. And we don't have electricity and McDonald's is like a million and a half miles away!

Daniel sneezed.

"And Daniel won't stop sneezing."

"Um, hi to you too, Sam!" Janet giggled.

"Oh, and Jack—"

" 'Jack' !" Janet raised an eyebrow.

"CO's orders. We're on VACATION, Doc! Team bonding begins with calling each other by our _names_." Jack answered for Sam who was six shades pinker.

Janet glanced knowingly at Daniel and Jonas and Teal'c, who promptly returned the glance and there was an awkward silence.

"Let's er, go inside and have some coffee or something, " Jack suggested.

"Yeah, coffee."

"…Sounds entertaining…"

"As long as I don't get my face peeled off…"

"What is 'something else' ?"

"Are you referring to an alcoholic beverage? … because if you are …"

57 minutes later----

"It's not my fault DANIEL drank all the coffee yesterday," Jack said as he poured Jonas his third glass of champagne.

"THIS is team-bonding!" said Jonas, clearly beginning to get a buzz.

"Hey… whatever happened to the BUMPs?" asked Daniel.

silence

"I believe they were THUMPs, DanielJackson"

"There must have been a problem with the ventilation system or something…"

"IT WAS AN ASS-MURDERER!" Sam shouted vehemently.

Jonas giggled.

"Okay, Sam, that's enough champagne for you, " Janet said as she carefully took the glass from Sam's grip.

"But—"

"No 'but'! We're going back to Colorado in the morning. Last thing you need is a massive hangover and the long drive," Janet reprimanded Sam.

Jonas giggled again.

"Same goes for you Jonas!" She snatched Jonas' glass too.

"…Napoleonic power monger…!"

"Did you say something, Colonel?"

"I…said…'Now I'm getting hungry!', yep… 's what I said…"

"Ooh! Oooh! I want… STRAWBERRY BUBBLE CAKES! Hmmm… "

"Okay, Sam has definitely had too much alcohol. Let's get some bread in here. STAT! "

Sam laughed, "I'm kidding, I'm kidding! I'm just drinking seltzer water, look. But Jonas on the other hand…"

"Weeeeeee!"

"I must meditate, I will escort Jonas Quinn to our room."

"Good idea, Teal'c."

" 'night."

"Hey, no fair! I want strawberry bubble cakes, too!…although bed does sound—" Jonas collapsed and Teal'c threw him over his shoulder.

"See you in the morning, T."

"Gee, I'd hate to imagine what I've missed… I've only been here and hour!"

"I guess we'll call it a night. It's getting late and we have an early morning. Be right back." Jack stood up to go upstairs and get blankets for himself, who had been sleeping on the couch all vacation.

"Hey where'll I sleep?" asked Janet. Currently there were two bedrooms and two couches, which folded out into beds. Daniel and Jonas had shared the spare room, Sam had taken Jack's room, Jack slept on one couch, and Teal'c on the other. … even though he technically didn't "sleep" as such.

"Teal'c moved in with Jonas and Daniel so you can sleep in Jack's room, I'll sleep on the couch."

"Thanks. Good night, Sam! See you in the morning. "

"Night, Janet… Oh hold on a second—I have to get my bag from up there!"

Jack descended the stairs rather clumsily with a pile of blankets and sheets, with which he made the two couches (which turn into beds… they would have proper names but the author neither knows what they're called nor thinks its relevant. Ahem… where was I? Oh yes. Being the narrator.)

"Yeah, goodnight, Jan. " came Sam's voice from upstairs…

'wait a second,' Jack thought '… 'goodnight, Jan'! That would mean…' he turned around to see Sam descending the stairs…

and then stop where she stood. "Uh… I… um… you?" she stumbled stupidly.

"Uh… I … err… me," _he _stumbledstupidly

"I guess… um," Sam tried to regain her composure. How old was she? Fourteen! For crying out loud, she'd slept next to him plenty of times—it wasn't even as if they were going to be in the same bed!

"Yeah," he said, looking at Sam, his 2IC in her fluffy bunny pajamas... and tank top number…. He mentally slapped himself. This was exactly the reason he didn't call her 'Sam' on a regular basis… get too familiar, get too friendly, get too… frisky.

When Sam—Major Carter— had put down her bag and sat on the edge of the bed, Colonel O'Neill turned off the lights. "Night Carter," he said as he got underneath his covers

… covers! What an idiot! It's the Fourth of July weekend and the air conditioning wasn't working (because the electricity wasn't). He groaned and got out of his bed, and began to make his way to the kitchen, which was adjacent to the living room. He reached the porch doors and opened them to reveal a beautiful evening—well by now it was technically a beautiful morning. He gazed into the night, which was pure darkness with the exception of the full moon and countless stars. They were _truly_ beautiful. No, that wasn't even the right word. The sky was amazing, especially knowing what was out there. Out there was…a threat. But down here as well as out there was—

"Something worth fighting for,"

He turned in the direction of the voice. Right beside him stood Sam, her beauty a strong competitor of the night sky's. In the moonlight, he could just see her face and he could tell she too was looking at the sky before them.

"Yes, yes it is…"

"But?" she asked, turning to face him now.

"But… why—?"

"Because we have to. If we don't fight…"

"I know, but… why do we have to decide between…" he winced and hoped she couldn't tell. He was crap at this—putting his thoughts and feelings into words.

"Between doing the right thing and doing what feels right… happiness… … … love…?"

He cleared his throat.

"I'm sorry, Sir, I shouldn't have—"

"Don't apologize. You had the courage to say what should have been said a long time ago… what's been locked in that damned room for so long."

"Everything has a reason for being the way it is."

"…you sound like Oma."

She smiled, almost laughed.

In this light, he saw something glimmering on top of her shirt. When he recognized it he looked down at his own shirt and saw the same thing—his dog tags. He reached over and held hers in the palm of his hand and he took off one of her two tags… He read:

_MJ_ _SAMANTHA_ _CARTER_

USAF 

_AB_ _RH_-

_12743804725_

and put it on his chain. He took off his second tag and placed it on her chain...when he noticed something else glittering on hers. The ring. He managed to free it from her chain. He took the ring and slid it gently onto her left ring finger.

When he looked back into her face, he noticed that tears were streaming silently down them.

"It's time, Sam." He said dramatically.

She stared at him intently as emotions welled up inside of both of them. Finally, in one quick motion, she leaned in and kissed him passionately.

Fireworks exploded! Rockets launched! Flowers bloomed!

… and suddenly Homer Simpson didn't matter so much any more.

THE END!

EPILOGUE TO FOLLOW

A/N: Well I finally figured out that this is post-Grace post-daniel-coming-back and pre-pete HAHAHA DIE YOU !$$ ahem. Well… it's the end of the shippy line! This is the first story I've actually completed! Woot woot! Go me! Go me! You should take a peek at my new story 'all that I've got' it's not too shabby… no humor though, just nice and angsty. Humor's too hard… oh there I go rambling again! Sigh what'll I do! EPILOGUE TO BE POSTED SHORTLY I've already written it, I'm just waiting for reviews! Evil smile XOXO


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